peevesies:

i went down to the middle school today for relay for life and i saw my old social studies teacher i had a crush on (don’t talk to me) and he was like “hey how are you i haven’t seen you in ages?” and the first thing i blurted out was “I JUST TURNED 18” and jesus christ if that’s not the thirstiest thing i’ve said in my whole life

(via nue)

penguinize:

if i ever get a pitbull i’ll name it mr. worldwide

(via mackmaroney)

tupacabra:

i feel bad for twins that aren’t equally attractive

(via thatsmoderatelyraven)

twiistz:

i met a girl with 12 nipples
sounds funny
dozen tit

(via mackmaroney)

sometimes i forget that a lot of you have never heard my voice and i wonder what kind of voice you picture me having omg

(via kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirk)

bombliate:

how weird is it to have pets though like a random animal just lives in your house and you can’t communicate with it but you both just accept it

(via zjavmalik)

How do you remember it omg I changed it like 73 years ago

magicconchshell:

is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep 

(via magicconchshell)

vaspim:

*rolls up the US constitution and makes the fattest most patriotic blunt ever*

(via coolestdad)